Mr goodmans baby transcript

Mario: wha- jeffy what was that!?!

Jeffy:toilet paper blaster!

Mario:where did you get that at?

Jeffy: i found it

Mario: jeffy there's no way you found it, look don't shoot me with it

Jeffy:but i like shooting you with my toilet paper blaster daddy.

Mario: look jeffy you can play with it as long as you dont shoot me. Go shoot something els

Jeffy: (sigh)fine daddy

Mario: (sigh)

Mario:who could that be?

Mario:uh hello?

Goodman: hey mario let me in it's an emergency come on!

Mario:wait whats that!

Goodman: dont ask questions mario just let me in

Mario: okay c'mon

Mario: so whats going on?

Goodman:shh mario he's sleeping, it's my baby

Mario:wha- you had another kid?

Goodman:yeah and your the father mario.

Mario:how am i the father?

Goodman: because you f**ked me and you didn't pay your house payment you got me pregnant, Say hello to your kid mario

Mario:Ok whats really going on?

Goodman:(sigh) i f**ked up mario

Mario: wh- you?

Goodman: yeah me i f**ked up i dont usually f**k up but when i do it's big it's

8 pounds 3 ounces big but that's enough about my weiner hes 7 pounds 6 ounces biggest mistake of my life mario

Mario: well if he's a mistake then why did you have him?

Goodman: i didn't wanna have him

It all started 9 months ago mario i wanted to take yoga classes so i hired a private yoga instructor she was hot as sh** im talking(slaps hand on table) mmmm hot as sh** mario and she was teaching me yoga poses she was downward dog and i was upward me and 9 months later we had existing him

Mario: okay then why did you bring "it" here?

Goodman: it has a name mario,his name is benjuman. Benjuman Franklen goodman. I named him after the guy that's on my favorite piece of money benjumen Franklen

Mario: okay then why did you bring benjuman here?

Goodman: because i need you to watch him mario

Mario: uh okay how long do you need me to watch him for

Goodman: 8teen years

Mario:8teen years!?!

Goodman:Shh mario hes sleeping

Mario: 8teen years why do i have to watch him for 8teen years

Goodman: because i don't want to pay child support for the yoga instructor so i need you to watch him so i can get out of paying the child support

Mario: okay so why dont you watch him

Goodman: i don't want him mario so i figured since you have a kid you'd like another

Mario: you already have a kid

Goodman: i know but i dont want this one

Mario: okay well i dont want to watch a baby for 8teen years.

Goodman: well mario hes not gonna be a baby for 8teen years hes gonna be a baby for like maybe two years then hes gonna be a toddler then an adelecent then a teenager then hes gonna be an adult and then once he's an adult just kick his a** out

Mario:Well why don't you do that?

Goodman: mario i dont want to i

Mario:(stutters)

Goodman: want you to

Mario: i dont want to do it either

Goodman:mario please take him

Mario:What am i gonna get out of it?

Goodman: um I'll I'll make sure you don't have a house payment for 2 months

Mario:Two months?!?

Goodman: okay 3 months

Mario: 3 months!

Goodman: (sign) okay mario fine I'll pay your house off

Mario: wh- you'll pay my house off

Goodman:yeah

Mario: (sign) im not...im not sure if that's worth it either

Goodman: (sign) uh mario i guess uh how about i..i offer you money

Mario: wait-y-your youll pay me?

Goodman: mhm sure

Goodman:(grunts)

Mario:wait-y-w- let go of me

Goodman(inhales)(exhales)

Goodman: ohh

Mario: wh

Goodman: im a ima loose my money

Mario: uh are you okay

Goodman: oh no im dying mario

Mario: what

Goodman: g-g-g- give give that it back

Mario: wh

Goodman  (inhales)

Goodman: alright mario i (clears throat)

Goodman: i cant i-i - i cant give you money mario

Mario:wh what did it hurt you that bad

Goodman: yeah how about how about i just pay off your house for you mario

Mario: (sign)...ok fine fine d- d (sign) i guess we'll do that then

Goodman: great,thanks mario

Mario:uh.. (sign)

Mario:(Grunts) oh man what did i get myself into i dont know how to take care of a baby

Mario: wh-jeffy!!!

Jeffy: whhat

Mario: jeffy i said shoot other things with that toilet paper blaster

Jeffy: and that baby is another thing daddy

Mario: (sigh) well then no more shooting babys

Mario:wh-

Jeffy:sorry daddy i just had to shoot one more baby

Mario:Jeffy!!

Jeffy:(screams)

Mario: (sigh)

Benjuman:wah wah wah

Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah

Wah wah

Mario:Wh- oh no the babys awake jeffy look what you did

Mario:calm down dont cry

Mario:Um i dont know what you want

Benjuman: waaah in want my f**kin bottle im hungry wahh ahh

Mario:Wh- you can talk?

Banjuman: of course i can talk im hungry and i want my bottle ahhh

Mario: uhh okay

Benjuman: wahh

Mario: hold on

Banjuman: wah wah wah wah wah

Mario: okay

Benjuman: wah

Mario:heres your bottle

Benjuman: i dont want that sh** i want my bottle

Mario: w-w- your bottle where do i get that at

Benjuman:my daddy left a whole bag of things that he though you might need and i want my bottle

Benjuman: Wah wah

Mario:Uh okay

Benjuman: Wah wah wah wah wah

Mario: okay i got your bottle

Benjuman: feed me ahh

Mario:Okay

Benjuman:Mm

Mario:Does that taste good

Benjuman: mhm i can taste the money

Mario:Okay well wh-you just eat that and I'll go get you some toys to play with

Mario: alright benjuman i got you this toy to play with

Benjuman: i finished my bottle now i feel rich and strong in about an hour im gonna sh** 20 grand

Mario: w-well im very happy you finished your bottle i cant wait to change your diper but um i got you this toy

Benjuman:What kind of toy is this

Mario: it teaches you your farm animals

Benjuman: farm animals? i dont plan on living on a farm. im not poor

Mario:W-w-w it teaches your animals so look just pull the lever

Benjuman: allright

Toy:the cow says

Judy: i love you codykins

Benjuman: oh thats weird because i thought the cow said"i cant wait to be turned to a flaminyot cooked medium rare peper corn with a sign of asparagus

Mario: yep that's what a cow says

Benjuman: i know,now get this sh**ty toy out of my sight

Mario: wait you don't want to learn the sounds of animals?

Benjuman:No i want you to go get me my toy learn the sounds of being rich

Mario:Uh-

Benjuman: its in my bag

Mario:Okay

Mario: allright i went in your bag and got you this the learn the sounds of being rich toy

Benjuman: oh that's more like it

Toy: the yot goes to the Bahamas

Benjuman: god damn right it does

Toy:the butter says"your bath is ready sir"

Benjuman:There better be bubbles in that sh**

Toy: the rolex goes"on your wrist"

Benjuman:Which one the right or  the left? Be posific you stupid toy

Toy: the b**ches go to the courthouse to sign a prenome

Benjuman:and then they go to my bedroom so we can bang

Toy: the Lamborghini goes to the strip club

Benjuman: to look at big fake hoo-hoos

Toy: the private get goes to paris

Benjuman:for dinner eating escargo snails and sh**

Toy: the money goes into your swiss bank account so the irs cant find it

Benjuman:Chaching now throw the toy away i hate it i want new toys wah wah

Mario: okay I'll get you new toys

Benjuman:wah wah

Mario:I'll get you new toys

Benjuman: wah wah

Mario:ok benjuman look at the cool new toys i got you

Benjuman:What kind of poor kid toys are these

Mario:there not poor kid toys look there fun look theres a rattle or a muranca and watch

Benjuman:Oww

Mario-wh

Benjuman:Ow my rich privliged ears are now bleeding wheres the motsar wheres the baytoven

Mario:well your a baby your supposed to like loud noises like look

Benjuman:you get that tinker toy sh** out of my face

Mario:Okay what toys do you wanna play with then

Benjuman: go in my bag and get my money gun right now

Mario:Money gun

Benjuman:Go get it

Mario:okay

Mario:Is this what you wanted

Benjuman:yes now point that at my face and pull the trigger

Mario:Im not gonna shoot a baby

Benjuman:Pull the trigger im ready for my shower

Mario: shower

Benjuman:Pull the trigger

Mario:okay

Benjuman: ahh fresh 100 dollar bills feals so good on my baby skin ahh yes so good on my baby skin

Mario:You know what would feel better on your baby skin some sunlight and from fresh air so lets go outside

Benjuman:I dont wanna go outside thats where poor people are

Mario:Your not gonna run in d- to any poor people okay theres no poor people out there look let's go get some fresh air okay

Benjuman: But my immune system can't handle thay yet

Mario:Alright benjumen are you ready for some fresh air

Benjuman:Wah its f**kin hot outside

Mario:benjuman you need some fresh air

Crystal: aw look at the cute baby

Benjuman: and look at your t**ys how much did those cost you

Mario: benjuman stop it

Benjuman:How about you pull that shirt down and Let me Bob for some ti**s ahh

Crystal:ugh sir what are you teaching your kid

Mario:im not teaching him-look look he's not my kid i didn't teach him anything im babysitting him and i would never tell him to do something so rude like that to you i mean unless you wanted to-i mean your very nice but i would never tell him to do that

Benjuman:hey a** hole what are you doing shes got two t**ys one for get one for you lets get after it

Mario: no no no you know what benjuman were leaving were going home

Benjuman:no  hey mother fu**er don't you cartblock me don't you ruin this for me

Mario:No no no were going home were going home

Benjuman:god d**n you

Mario: ugh benjuman that was absolutely ridiculous the way you talked to that women

Benjuman: well I'm sorry i like big hoo-hoos and you don't

Mario:Wh-i like big hoo-hoos i never said i didn't like them

Benjuman:well clearly you dont like big hoo-hoos because i was trying to squeeze melons and you ran away like a little girl

Mario:Well there was no gaurentine that she was gonna let us squeeze the melons

Benjuman:well listen you miss every shot you don't take and i was trying to shoot my shot im step f**king kurry from half court and who are you jr f**king smith

Mario:Im not jr smith

Benjuman:Oh yes you are and i wanna hear that dirty little mouth of yours admit it

Mario: im not gonna

Benjuman:(Grunts)

Mario:What's going on

Benjuman(Grunts) uh uhh i just took a big double decker c**p right in my diper and your gonna whipe me

Mario: Im not gonna whipe you

Benjuman: Oh yes the f**k you are you better go get some whipes

Mario:w-uhhh uh well you know i dont wanna whipe it so uh uh uh you know what i gotta call some one i gotta call someone so ill be right back

Benjuman: fresh diper and whipes

Mario:okay ima call Brooklyn guy and maybe he can help me with this baby situation

Brooklyn guy: hey mario whats up what do you need me to be a cop or a doctor or a striper maybe huh

Mario: u-no no no no i dont need any jobs from you um i was wondering if you wanted to come over and hang out

Brooklyn guy: w-w  h hang out  like like  friends

Mario:u-yeah

Brooklyn Guy:W-u y-y-yeah-y-yeah i-i can hang out im just sitting here on my couch drinking alone so yeah i-i can come over in like 10 minutes

Mario:that'd be perfect ye just come over and we can hang out and do a lot of cool stuff

Brooklyn Guy:tha- that sounds great okay I'll be right over best buddy

Mario: ok b-bye yep best best buddy

Mario:alright alright alright that's good alright so he can help me with this baby situation because oh my god its getting too much

Mario:uh hello

Brooklyn Guy: heyy budyyyy hey what's up man

Mario: oh god your drunk

Brooklyn Guy: mmm aw nah im im im not drunk yeh you know what your your drunk huh uhuuawabout that huh

Mario: w-w-j-just go home

Brooklyn Guy:hey hey y your house is weird your house has like a button over here that makes a loud noise-y

Brooklyn guy:ya hear that w w where is that you got you got like a bird in here or someting(stutters) that button

Mario:tha-thats called a door bell

Brooklyn Guy: you know what speaking of noises i can make a noise y-ya like noise?

Mario:sure

Brooklyn t guy:(blows)i-i uhh ussaly it makes like a whistle like a whistle sound but i-its not working like like it's broken or somethin

Mario:so well um im sorry to hear that

Brooklyn t guy:uh huh uh hey hey hey hey hey you you have any more of these something

Mario:uh (sigh) i might have some in the fridge

Brooklyn T Guy:heyyyy my man

Mario:yes come on in

Brooklyn t guy:okay

Brooklyn t guy:(yawn)thanks for the beer(sips)

Mario:yeah dont mention it

Brooklyn t guy:ah

Mario:w a are you okay

Brooklyn t guy:yeah im just trying to swallow my own tounge seeing if i can do it

Brooklyn t guy:(coughs) no you can't do it it's just a myth

Benjuman:Hurry up and change my da** diper

Brooklyn t guy:(stutters)a talking baby(stutters)with a mustache

Mario:yeah i need you to help change his diper but no help now but let me go get a new diper I'll be right back

Brooklyn t guy:(laughes) hey hey baby googoogaga and all that

Benjuman:Shut the he** up you drunk piece of sh**

Brooklyn t guy:hey hey hey baby baby you listen to me baby hey ya you enjoy being a baby while it lasts okay cuz where you grow up(cut sound) life is gonna is gonna kill you life sucks okay your gonna get old and then your gonna be in dept and your gonna get divorced and then and then and then your gonna have kids and there gonna hate you and then there gonna get dept and there gonna get divorced and then (stutters)it sucks and when you cry nobody  brings you a bottle your your gonna have to find your own bottle you just buy bottle and  then and then you join a book club for old ladys and then they all die and your alone just reading books by your self and then (stutters) it sucks

Brooklyn t guy:(cries) wah

Benjuman:Wah

Benjuman and Brooklyn t guy:wah wah

Mario:o-o-o ok ok i dont need two people crying look go lay down downstairs

Brooklyn t guy:ok

Mario:(sigh)let me change your diper see what we got hear

Mario:oh it smells so bad w-wait wheres the poop?

Benjuman:My a** hole is an atm and you can take that sh** to the bank litterly

Mario:w-you poop cash?!?

Benjuman:Yeah and and my brother richard he sh**s gold bricks hes my father's favorite thats probably why he got rid of me instead of him

Mario:well don't you worry buddy cuz I'll never get rid of you because i love you

Benjuman:Ugh gay now go get me a shrimp cocktail and some cooscoos

Mario:coming right up buddy I'll get you whatever you want

Benjuman:Great

Mario:hold on l-let me see who's at the door

Benjuman:alright

Mario:uh hello w-goodman what are you doing here?!?

Goodman:first of all you clean up that broken bottle before i slip and cut myself and sue your holeletters insurance for everything that you have which isn't much second of all i want my son back

Mario:your son back!?! Why

Goodman:Well i spoke with my cpa and come to find out the more kids you have the more the  less money you have to pay on your taxes and i f**king hate taxes so i want my son back

Mario:well well (stutters) i love benjuman and were having so much fun together and and you said i have to watch him for 8teen years and look you dont have to worry about paying your house payment I'll pay it you have (stutters) just dont worry about that

Goodman:Well mario i dont care about that

Mario:uh hello w-goodman what are you doing here?!?

Goodman:first of all you clean up that broken bottle before i slip and cut myself and sue your holeletters insurance for everything that you have which isn't much second of all i want my son back

Mario:your son back!?! Why

Goodman:Well i spoke with my cpa and come to find out the more kids you have the more the  less money you have to pay on your taxes and i f**king hate taxes so i want my son back

Mario:well well (stutters) i love benjuman and were having so much fun together and and you said i have to watch him for 8teen years and look you dont have to worry about paying your house payment I'll pay it you have (stutters) just dont worry about that

Goodman:Well mario i dont care about that i want my son back right now

Mario:but he but he poops money

Goodman:And i pi** cream cheese some say its an infection but i say its delicious

Mario:what

Goodman:Yeah so if you have a bagel I'll show you

Mario:look i-i just really wanna keep your son i love him so much benjumans the best son ever

Goodman:Mario you better go get me my son or els Im gonna call the cops

Mario:well go ahed because the cops is drunk in the living room Goodman:mario go get me my god damn son right now

Mario:(sigh)okay

Mario:well benjuman i guess this is goodbye your the best son ever and i love you

Benjuman:Well i hate you and your poor house,lets go dad

Goodman:okay son

Mario:aw

Mario:(sigh) i realy miss benjuman but at least i get to get all this cash w-jeffy!?!

Jeffy:(screams)

Mario:(sigh)

THE END